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A Neverending Battle? Depression Part I

July 24, 2007

I’ve been fighting a personal battle for the past two years.  Depression.  It’s a weird illness/condition/?? (you can call it what you like) that comes and goes with me.  In the midst of it, I find it incredibly hard to walk in love, be joyful, or show excitement towards life.  And the weird thing is that life can be incredible (I live in Thailand!!), and I can still be depressed.  Probably the hardest part about it is how hard it is for me to show kindess to people that I genuinely care about.  I find that it takes an incredible amount of energy to engage in relationship when I’m fighting my latest battle with this.

 I’m honestly not sure what causes it.  Sometimes I think it’s sin.  I’m an obsessive C personality that analyzes everything I (and everyone else for that matter) does and I’m super critical of EVERYTHING.  So sometimes, I “just know” I’m living a sinful life and that’s why I feel the way I do.  But then there’s those times where by all of our “Christianized” standards, I’m doing well.  I worship.  I pray.  I read.  In fact, I can genuinely have an encounter with God being filled with all peace and love, only to have it all sucked out of me (that’s literally what it feels like) a few hours later.

Sometimes I think it’s anxiety.  Like I said, I’m obsessive, and so when things become overwhelming to me, I can get pretty bent out of shape.  But then there are those days where everything is really okay and running smoothly.  And yet there’s depression.

 A lot of times I think it has to do with my social interactions.  Sometimes people stress me out!  And then I get weary of them.  Then I feel guilty for not showing love.  Then I feel like I won’t ever show love.  Then I get depressed.   But, it’s not always this way.  Sometimes depression just comes on me for no good reason.

 You’re probably asking why I’m analyzing all of this.  Well, yesterday and today I woke up with that feeling of heaviness (if you know me, you know I’ve talked about this “feeling” before.)  Yet, I have an incredible job (in Thailand!!).  I love my students.  I have opportunities to minister Chrst.  And I live in a stinkin cool country.  Do I miss my family and friends?  Sure!  But I’m not homesick.  So for the first time since I’ve started this battle, I don’t have any good reason to feel this way.  (Don’t worry, I’m dealing with it well.  I was slightly irritable with my classes today, but I warmed up towards the end.)  But I must say, it’s confusing.  What is this nasty illness all about?

 Now obviously it’s not too bad, or else I couldn’t calmly type this (amazing!! haha) blog about depression.  But, that doesn’t make it any less of a struggle.  See, I want with all of my heart to embrace the character of Christ.  And I know that I’ve been given “exceedingly great and precious promises.”  I believe one of those promises is JOY.  I want joy!  I’m fighting for joy.  But sometimes the battle is intense. 

 So, this is my rambling/analyzing of depression.  I’m intrigued (yet frightened) by this disease/”whatever.”  I know I’m not alone and that’s comforting.  I also know that Christ is sufficient, and that too is comforting.  But all I can do right now is wage war with it, and by the grace of God (see my post on grace) I will overcome. 

In His love. 

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